Road to the Title Part 2: A video history

The Jon remembers when it was a Dad weekend. For the 80 percent of us that have had to deal with divorce in the early ’80s, a Dad’s weekend was every other week when you go to a house where a man you hardly knew lived and didn’t have to do anything but watch TV and see topless women on HBO.
So here is The Jon and The Jon’s Dad is excited to show The Older Sister who actually knew The Jon’s Dad when he was married to The Mom and he and The Older Sister walk to the TV. Under it is this big rectangular plastic box. There was nothing on it except plastic buttons and a LED clock.

Now back in the early ’80s, LED was known as the word “digital.” Ooooh, that sounds futuristic.

So The Jon is looking at this scene where The Older Sister is flipping out and getting all excited and all The Jon can think (yes think, The Jon didn’t talk that much as a kid, maybe because of the whole divorced thing that The Jon’s Dad could have tried to explain instead of wasting his time buying a damn VCR. Yeah, thanks Dad) anyways, let’s repeat:

So The Jon is looking at this scene where The Older Sister is flipping out and getting all excited and all The Jon can think of is “Wow, what a cool digital clock.”

The Jon didn’t learn it was a VCR or what a VCR did until a day later when we went to this big family outing to Video Mania and we went back home and watched flipping Ice Castles.

That.
Movie.
Sucked.

Don’t even watch this full clip.

The Jon’s sisters watched that movie every ufckin weekend. It was about some blond, white girl that was a good skater or something and she was two-timing on her boyfriend with Robbie Benson and some old white lady gets mad and cuts the ice where the girl practices and behold, the skater girl trips and crashes her head in and she turns blind.

Man, white people. But Robbie Benson teaches her how to skate blind and she goes out and performs and kills in a competition, but nobody knows she’s blind so they throw her roses and Robbie Benson says, “Don’t throw roses! Don’t throw roses!”

And she falls, everyone knows she’s blind and there is crying and stuff. The Jon thinks somewhere along the way the white skater girl’s mother dies and she goes and performs again and she is still blind. The end.

And Robbie Benson what was the hell that all about? He had a scene where he was in his fruit of the looms. You don’t believe The Jon? Well here it is … and don’t watch the whole clip.

After Ice Castles, there was Xanadu. The Jon was left out to dry. The only good movie The Jon got to rent once a year was Tron. They didn’t even have Star Wars to rent because George Lucas was a tightwad back in the day. Remember?

The point of all this besides Robbie Benson’s underwear is new technology sucks. TheBaseballStars was on some wack site last season that nobody read, so we came to WordPress where you can add videos and pictures with ease.

The Jon was in a zone last season when it came to blogging. The Jon is pretty good at this whole writing thing, but a lot of The Jon’s blogs could have been better if there was video to put on.

Nothing exemplifies this more than our top post on TheBaseballStars.com: Ichiro (vs.) Crawford.

Without video our top-searched word, high top fade, would have never even been put into the annals without Ichiro sporting one in a Japanese commercial.

So again, why does this suck? Well it is 2:45 a.m. and The Jon realizes there was one post from last season that has never got it’s due: Road to the Title Part 2. Go ahead and click on this link. Text, text and more text. Time for a video update.

And here it is, digital clock and all:

Sept. 9, 2007

Take a look at Robert DeNiro in this heat clip. This is The Jon. Explanation? Here it is:
After defiantly predicting a victory against PoiDog this week where The Jon was up 10-3, Vladimir Guerrero got hurt and a once slap-happy offense has collected 11 hits over the past two days. The Jon is now looking at an 8-4 hole needing to beat PoiDog in innings pitched (with two pitchers going) and homers to tie and win off of team ERA.

It’s a far stretch to hope and after my blasphemies of guaranteeing victory, The Jon has found God and has to do what’s best for The Jon right now.

I apologize for setting a bad example for all the kids that look up to The Jon and will do better in the future (tear drop and scene).If there is any good to come out of my eminent defeat, it is the chance to have a break for looking at stats every night, or dreading not seeing any of my player’s names on the ESPN sportsticker.

But more importantly, The Jon won’t channel Robert DeNiro in Heat when he is home free on the freeway with his ugly girlfriend. There he is ready to get out of town ready to spend his life on some beach watching his ugly girlfriend in a bikini and he keeps on harping on that former redneck in his crew that gave them all away and got that tattoo-chest guy killed.

Even though the tattoo-chest guy led a full life and met Ron Burgundy, DeNiro can’t get his mind past the redneck.

So they show one of the many classic scenes where DeNiro is in a closeup and he is looking angry. He then thinks of the beach and his ugly girlfriend in a bikini and tries to smile and succeeds for about two seconds and then goes back to a scowl.

The Jon truly believes if Elisabeth Shue (during her hot mid-90s period, but shown here in 1984) was in the car with him, DeNiro doesn’t get off the freeway to kill redneck.

That scene has played every weekend since baseball started. Their is The Jon with a beer in his hand Sunday having to watch Desperate Housewives because, with three women in the house, The Jon can no longer produce testosterone at adequate levels to control the remote control.

So there is The Jon watching ugly Nicollette Sheridan and getting that scowl on my face. Then Eva Longoria pops in and if they are trying to get ratings they usually put her in lingerie.

A forced smile appears on The Jon’s face and then he remembers that Aaron Rowand, Jose Reyes or Placido Polanco are probably up to bat and can steal one of the categories The Jon has a lead in and that scowl returns and The Jon is forced to run upstairs to check baseball box scores. If Elisabeth Shue were on Desperate Housewives, there would be no problem. I mean, where is she? She was untouchable in The Saint.

So yeah, The Jon gets a vacation from baseball and the unlikely paths his mind wanders to with a loss this week. But karma might just work, The Jon just brought up DeNiro, Heat, redneck, tattoo-chest guy, Ron Burgundy and Elisabeth Shue (Karate Kid bikini ).

If that won’t help, then does it really matter?

Now The Jon feels like Morgan Freeman walking down that beach muttering, “I hope.” There’s more karma right there. Shawshank Redemption added to DeNiro, Pacino, Heat, redneck, tattoo-chest guy, Ron Burgundy and Elisabeth Shue (Karate Kid bikini)? It doesn’t get better than that.
Note: This was taken from the Road to the Title Part 3, but it would have been here if video was available way back when … 8 months ago. And what better way to end this marathon with this? So was Red!

Like this? Check out more Video Histories with these links:

Ichiro vs. Crawford

The Four Horsemen

Shortstop Scenario

Karate Kid

: : : : : : : : : : :